Distance and perspective

When I was lurching from one blackout night and miserable hangover to another, I did not fear the next time. In a remarkable similarity to childbirth, I forgot the pain almost instantly. I guess denial played a big part in that. If I could have recognised how much damage I was doing to myself, I would have had no choice but to stop. It wasn’t until that terrifying head injury (which still hurts a little when I reach up and touch the ridge where my skull cracked, 44 days later) that I was unable to deny it any longer.

In a complete reversal of the childbirth-like loss of memory of pain, I can now see what my life was like, stuck in that cycle, in excruciating detail. I can close my eyes and feel it. I am terrified of going back there. Every step I take away from the last three years is a step in the right direction. 

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6 thoughts on “Distance and perspective

  1. Great post. I’m so happy to see you growing. It is so difficult to see the cycle for what it really is until you’ve escaped. I don’t want to go back there either. Life will get so much better for you. Noddy x

    Liked by 3 people

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