Sparkles once more

The comments on my earlier post were so helpful. This one, in particular, from karymayhickey, instantly helped…

“As one of my friends on the message boards pointed out today to another person who had broken her abstinence streak, “How would you have felt 9 weeks ago if someone had told you, you’re going to go 9 weeks without drinking and then you’re going to have 3 glasses of wine, but then you’re going to go right back to not drinking.” What would that scenario have looked like 9 or 10 weeks ago? Impossible? Well, now you’ve accomplished the impossible. You can do it again.”

If I went back in time to the morning when I woke up and knew, deep in my bones, that I had to stop drinking, and held my sad face in my own hands and said “you will not drink for 65 of the next 66 days”, I would have been ecstatic. I am ecstatic. I’m also so proud of myself for getting right back up on the horse before it bolted away again.

Maybe I’ll never be one of those people who gets to 15 years sober or some such. But if I can get 15 years down the track and say “I’ve been sober for 15 years aside from 3 occasions when I drank”, I will be fine with that. I’d be overjoyed with that, in truth.

This is not a pitch for moderation in the slightest, but a recognition that my path is my own and it may not be perfect. I’m raising my chamomile and lavender tea to imperfections, to life-affirming slips, to sober internet friends, and to keeping on going one day at a time. 

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15 thoughts on “Sparkles once more

  1. I love this. There is something about the rigid counting, and that going back to zero thing, that serve to devalue the momentum that is built with every sober day. I also do not say this to vote for “moderation,” because I think it’s an awful idea (for me), and thinking this way does carry the danger of giving a person permission to have one of those three drinks (because they could so easily happen all in one week rather than the 15 years). But yes and hang in there! Yay for lavender tea.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I think it’s also an issue with the definition of sober. I googled and it said: not affected by alcohol; not drunk. It doesn’t say “having had absolutely no alcohol”. For what that’s worth. I’m still viewing that I have been sober for 128 days! No hangovers, no self-loathing, no embarrassing moments, etc. For me I think there is no moderation….I don’t think I can drink regularly without escalating. I do think I can have it rarely and muscle through it…..but that’s what I will be doing….muscling through it and strictly controlling myself!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. What you did is just a blip on the radar is the way I look at it. I too believe we put to much pressure on ourselves when we slip, too much emphasis on stringing sober days together, not enough patting ourselves on the back for all the sober days we HAVE managed to accomplish. Not that I am encouraging an occasional “blip”,, because I have done this many times over the past few years, but because this is a journey, not a race. I will always continue to strive for “forever”, but I no longer beat myself up when I fall, as long as I get right back up, dust myself off, put on those big girl panties and remind myself of my goal – to be sober, to be happy, to be free from alcohols bonds. You can do this. You are right, this is your path, not anyone else’s. Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, I needed to read this today! We’ve had a connection here before…and I so appreciate what you say here, that you may never be someone who gets 15 years of sobriety. I think I’m starting to accept that as well. And no, I cannot moderate either. But I also fall off the horse. And I need to know that the best course of action is to get back up without too much regret, or too much thinking at all about what that drink (or those drinks) actually mean…just get in the saddle again. Thank you for your post.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. [Late to read and reply, but filled with love.]
    There are no years. There are just days.
    There’s really only moments—Now that I think of it.
    It’s not a race. It’s a choice to be conscious.
    Drinkers aren’t bad. Non-drinkers aren’t good.

    As we fall in love with who we are we make loving choices because we love ourselves.
    You’ll find your way when you find you.
    Looks like you’re doing a pretty good job.

    Love and Light beautiful one.

    Liked by 1 person

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