I’m back. It’s been a while. I’m still stuck in this cycle – binge drink, regret it, stay sober for a few days, binge drink, repeat.

Lots of good things have happened this year, aside from that. I’m working hard and feeling more confident in my abilities. The children are all at a beautiful age. My marriage is strong and full of laughter. We are financially more secure than we’ve been in a long time. 

I’m still terrified about how much I drink. I worry about it almost constantly when I’m not actually drinking. I’m still horribly hungover for two days of every week. I still have regular blackouts. It’s still hard to reconcile the person I am sober with the person I am drunk.

I have not made any conscious, determined attempts to stay sober for a long time, but I am starting today. I’m not going to keep blogging about relapses any more. It’s not helpful to me or anyone else. 

I desperately want to get past the struggle of early sobriety to a place where I am at peace with it. Throw me all your ideas for the coming weeks. Remind me I am cared for. Tell me it will be worth it.


18 thoughts on “Hi

  1. Good morning (evening?!) my dear…. so lovely to see a post from you. Was thinking of you just yesterday and wondering how you were – so I think that is evidence that you are cared about and important to others, even if we have never met. Sending massive love and good to hear that so much is going well for you. Since you ask, i can say to you honestly that things only get better when we find it in ourselves to leave the alcohol behind. It IS worth it. Prim xx

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Lovely to see you back, I read your blog and then it was closed. I’m still drinking so,didn’t feel right asking to view yours. You did so well and then had the lapse but as your post in August seemed so sure of not drinking again I thought you’d cracked it. You are worth it, I loved hearing about your knitting etc (hope I’ve got the right person). Have you seen the new Annie Grace experiment, that might be the start you need to help,you get back some sober momentum. You are cared for as well, by your husband, children and your blog readers. Good luck and best wishes xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello – nice to hear you again – I wondered what had happened to you. For me the only way I could make sobriety stick was to admit I was powerless over alcohol – that I couldn’t get sober on my own and needed the help of other alcoholics to get sober – AA helped me do this plus I needed to work through what it was that was making me so miserable on the inside. You can have all these external things that look so great on the outside – loving partner, beautiful kids and a decent job – but still feel restless, uncomfortable, irritable and depressed on the inside. We just don’t want to deal with these feelings- so we try to drown them out with booze. Have you tried AA? If you find yourself drinking when you really had no intention of doing so or getting shitfaced when you said on your heart of hearts you’ll just have one, or you black out regularly/ have accidents when drunk – AA might be for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have two concerns about AA. The first is anonymity – nothing very much is a secret in the town I live in. The second is that I fear I’m not “bad enough” for AA and that I might feel like a fraud because I have never had wine for breakfast.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are bad enough for AA if you wish you didn’t drink as much as you do.
        In fact, the people at AA, who are sober, will welcome you with hugs and compassion as we have all been there an not one of us would choose to go back.

        As for anonymity, anyone at a meeting will be there for the same reason you are. You might find some surprise friends!

        Anyway, it’s always there. Maybe keep it for option 2, if you struggle alone, or just want another experience. I don’t go to AA often, but I always feel bad ass going into a meeting.


        Liked by 3 people

  4. Trust me there’s members of all degrees of “badness” in AA – I didn’t lose my job, I didn’t drink wine for breakfast, I didn’t drink meths, I didn’t sleep on a park bench….it nearly cost me my marriage mind you – our partners only have so much tolerance – or at least mine did. It’s not how much you drink, or what you drink – it’s why you drink and that you can’t control your drinking. If you go to a meeting – listen to the similarities and not the differences and you will soon know if you’re in the right place. As for the anonymity – one thing most people do in AA is uphold anonymity. If you’re concerned it’s a real problem – find a meeting out of town to go to. At least give it a go. The problem is this is a progressive disease which means it just gets worse and worse and if you’re asking yourself why you just can’t seem to stay stopped, it may well be that you too are powerless over alcohol and need the help of others to get sober. If you don’t change anything, nothing changes. Happy to talk to you if that might help – my email address is bencarlish@gmail.com. Email me. Cheers. Ben

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I was a 5:00 pm drinker myself. And I usually stopped by 8 pm. The time or the amount ceased to matter. Black outs were the beginning of the end for me. It’s been 13 years since my last drink and I don’t regret one day of sobriety. I can’t imagine the level my drinking would have escalated. You’ll find your way if you stay open. It’s not about not drinking. It’s about finding who lives inside of you—unaltered. Blessings for your journey. Lisa

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m glad to hear from you.
    I spent a long time where you are. It’s a hard place to be. So much pretending and stress. Not enough joy and relaxation.

    You can do this. Leave the bottle behind. It’s not helping your family, marriage or work. You don’t need it for any of those things to be fabulous.

    Take this opportunity and hold on.

    If you need a pen pal let me know. I’m here.


    Liked by 2 people

  7. I never lost my job, never had a DUI, but at the very end of my drinking, had some blackouts.
    Now sober 3 years, and never regret it
    You are worth it, and you are loved just as you are.
    I also go to AA, and have met many different people from all walks of life. I had to learn it is a fallacy to think that AA only has a certain type of drinker. I have met yoga teachers I know, and even a father of one of my students.
    But as Anne, said that’s only one way. I also blogged, found a sober life coach, got support from many family and friends.
    I am glad you are back, and still want to get sober.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was done when I realized I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sounds like you may be there. Finding my “sober” person was illuminating, and I couldn’t father going back to that person who drank to escape himself. Finding myself has been the greatest gift. I am still learning more about me every day.

    Although I am not an active participant of AA these days, I agree with what folks here have said about it. There is no “bad” test to get in. A desire to stop drinking is all that is necessary. I see priests, CEO’s, teachers, actors, politicians…all types of high profile and professional folks in the rooms. One need not be a dirty bum sleeping under a bridge chugging sweet sherry out of a bag to count as an alcoholic.

    Much love to you and hope that you continue on your healing journey!


    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hi! It’s good to read a post from you, it’s been a while. I’m glad to hear there are good things happening for you even though you’re not quite where you want to be with alcohol. I’m looking forward to reading about how you’re getting on and I hope you find the way that works for you. A few days isn’t really enough to remind you of the benefits that come with being sober and it’s such a cruel cycle to keep going round and round like that. I know it’s hard to really get a full idea of the good stuff waiting in sobriety and you have to take it on faith to start with but it really does get easier, after the first few weeks and months. I finally managed to jump off the roundabout almost 8 months ago now. It’s not been easy but it’s definitely easier than 8 months of the spin cycle. It’s so worth it, I wish I had the magic words that could get you past the horrible early stage, I don’t – but you’ve got my support and sober hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

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