I’m back. It’s been a while. I’m still stuck in this cycle – binge drink, regret it, stay sober for a few days, binge drink, repeat.
Lots of good things have happened this year, aside from that. I’m working hard and feeling more confident in my abilities. The children are all at a beautiful age. My marriage is strong and full of laughter. We are financially more secure than we’ve been in a long time.
I’m still terrified about how much I drink. I worry about it almost constantly when I’m not actually drinking. I’m still horribly hungover for two days of every week. I still have regular blackouts. It’s still hard to reconcile the person I am sober with the person I am drunk.
I have not made any conscious, determined attempts to stay sober for a long time, but I am starting today. I’m not going to keep blogging about relapses any more. It’s not helpful to me or anyone else.
I desperately want to get past the struggle of early sobriety to a place where I am at peace with it. Throw me all your ideas for the coming weeks. Remind me I am cared for. Tell me it will be worth it.